Dear Jennifer.

Before you die, there are some things I need to get off my chest , about you specifically. They are a mix of things I think you deserve to know and some things I just want you to know.

To start off, I love you so much that I hate you. By taking care of you growing up, I hurt myself, and for that I hate you. I've always put you before me. That's something you'd understand since you always put yourself before me. I never understood why I loved you so much. To be queite honest, I stil don't. All I know is that I love you so much that it hurts me, and this is something I resent you for.

I will never forgive you. I will never forgive you for taking drugs when you were pregnant with me which almost resulted in my death. I will never forgive you giving birth to me in the first place when you knew that you had more love for the drugs. I will never forgive you for the emotional and physical problems that I know have to suffer as a result of your drug use. I will never forgive for you for abandoning me several times, only to keep dropping by in my life promising things would change. I was a child, you think I understood why you made promises you couldnt keep? I will never forgive the fact that you took yourself away from me.

When you asked me if anyone had ever touched me, I lied and said no. Why do you think I hated my foster father so much?

You are the ultimate failure to me. You have managed to put yourself before everyone. Even at my age I understand that sometimes, your needs have to come second to others. Somehow, you've betrayed everyone in your life, and you've pushed away everyone that has tried to help you. You're a 44 year old crack head whore. You've accomplished nothing in your life.

I still miss you. Even though I realized a long time ago that hoping and wishing for you to return was pointless, I have yet to let it go. Inside me there is still liekt hat four year old girl that cried about her mother. I don't miss the drug addicted mother that I've been surrouded by most of my life, I miss the sober, old you. The mom that used to make cakes with me because it was a Tuesday, the mom who used to play Jill Scott & Floetry because she wanted her daughter to grow up with a good knowledge of music, the mom that actually tried. That's the you I miss. That's the you I would kill for.

When I was drunk that one night, and I was crying to Grandma and Uncle Paul about making the pain stop, I was talking about the pain you've caued me over the years.

There are many scars you have left on me both physically and emotionally. The cuts that have been laid on my body in your name have long faded, but the pain still runs deep. Even now, as the tears stream down my cheeks, the pain doesn't fade.

Mother, I just want you to know that this letter may seem selfish, but do remember I am only a teenager. January 17, 1996 you brought me into this world, and sometime soon you'll be the one leaving it. Burying you will of course carry the expected burden of sadness and grief, but with you it will provide me some closure. No longer will you be able to run in and out of my life. Just know, I'll miss you when you're gone, but I'll hurt a hell of a lot less, and that's something I hope you can respect.

Love,

Nahtrelle

Is there anything you wish you could've told someone before they died? Or, is there anything you plan on telling someone before they die?